When Panic strikes

July 8, 2022

by Matt Lantz

Sometimes your greatest gifts can be your greatest curse. I am perfectionistic and I love to have everything in order, everyone happy with me, and all my lists complete. While I can get a lot done in the day, I often live with an underlying, nagging anxiety that seems to never go away. Believe me, I try all the right “tools” and have for so many years, including hours of prayer, counseling, medication, supplements, and spiritual direction. Honestly, you name it, and I have tried it. And I still am.

Nevertheless, sometimes the anxiety just feels like the “thorn in my flesh” I have to deal with but I take comfort knowing I am not alone. I take comfort in knowing it’s made me a better therapist. I take comfort knowing God uses the brokenness within our stories to bring shalom to this hurting world. And so that is why I write, to hopefully bring comfort from my story, and the stories of others in time, and to remind us there is still hope on this side of eternity and in the midst of our mess.

While the incessant striving and perfectionism have been a constant companion for many years, I ignored the increasing anxiety for many of the past years. I became an expert at suppressing pain and trauma (which is still my go-to when I am not healthy), but I soon found out the body keeps the score-literally.

For years I had debilitating migraines and finally found a solution but, in the end, the main culprit was cortisol levels that were through the roof. Then, I started experiencing a tight chest. That landed me in the ER for a night, but it checked out as “just anxiety.” While the chest pain persisted, I just kept going because everything in me told me that’s what you are supposed to do. After all, that is what a good, hard-working Midwest kid does right?

It eventually led to one of the lowest moments I have experienced. I had my first panic attack while in a counseling session. My shame immediately took root, and I was determined if that client did not expose me to the world, I would not tell anyone else either. This way I could keep the perfectly crafted image that all was ok when in fact nothing was really ok. In typical Matt fashion, I went to the restroom after the panic attack, splashed water on my face, and went through another counseling session. Then I showed up to work the next day and the next day and the next. I was not well, but I did not know how to stop striving.

I am learning it’s ok to not be ok, that the antidote to shame is vulnerability, how to listen to my body and to rest, and that healing is slow but possible. Yet, I have been slow to learn all these lessons. I might have to keep learning them again, and I hope it’s not through continued panic attacks, but I know I have to attune to my anxiety and run into it, not away from it.

So, this is an attempt to run into the anxiety and not do so alone. We are the most anxious society we have ever been, and I hope that my story and journey will resonate with a few others out there. Whether it's panic attacks, being socially anxious before the party or get-together, feeling that underlying restlessness all day, not being able to stop controlling everything around you, or situational anxiety, know you are not alone. May we find some continued healing as collective brokenness is brought to the table, and continue to see that God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.